I have been feeling a little discombobulated lately. I’ve been attributing some of it to feeling in a state of limbo since our move. No longer belonging in our old house, neighborhood, comfort zone, but not yet totally assimilated in our new home, neighborhood, etc. yet either.
Another aspect is just not being all the way unpacked in our new house – boxes still abound because I need to get an entertainment center and more storage shelves [we left a lot of built-ins behind], but I had to wait until we took care of our old house, but then everyone got sick, and then I had to make Halloween costumes, so I haven’t been to the store, blah, blah.
Also our routines have been disrupted. The laundry, toys, sewing mess, etc. just haven’t found their comfortable homes and styles yet. All of this is pretty normal for any move, especially with a bunch of kids in tow, but as a result I haven’t felt right in myself.
And then there’s blogging which I totally enjoy most of the time. I love connecting with people, being inspired by what other people have created and written. And yet, occasionally it frustrates me. Sometimes because my real world is so messy and imperfect compared to all the loveliness there is to behold elsewhere. (Which, if you sometimes feel this way too, you MUST read this inspired post by another Amy. I loved it.) But the main issue I think is that I keep trying to pretend that my life is organized and well-put-together, when it’s not. And often I feel like a flake because I don’t respond to everyone like I want to, or totally space answering a question someone has asked. And beyond that sometimes I try to put my kids on hold so I can do “this one more thing.”
Wednesday afternoon, right after I pushed “publish now” on my last post, I got a phone call that shook me up, and suddenly my perspective changed. I have a wonderful Irish friend named Sarah. We were roommates for 3 months in Liverpool, England 13 years ago and she has been like a sister to me ever since. One of those special people in your life that you don’t see for 12 years, but when you do it feels like no time has passed and you just pick-up where you left off, sharing the most personal details of your life. We were able to see Sarah and her new, sweet husband Chris when we visited Manchester a year ago and it was fantastic.
Well, the phone call informed me that Sarah had a massive stroke during the delivery of her first baby last Saturday. I immediately collapsed to my knees and prayed my heart out for my dear friend – because I know prayer works. After hours of brain surgery and a medically induced coma, she is astounding the doctors with her progress. But she still has a long way to go and has not yet been able to even see her baby boy.
As I prayed for my friend Sarah, I suddenly had clarity – a reminder of what matters most. The opportunity I have to be a mother. That if everything in this world was taken from me, the thing I would want most is my children. They need to come first. In my heart they always do, but often my brain and body are preoccupied. They – my family – are the one thing I’m going to take with me to the next life.
So please bear with me if I sometimes come across as flakey – I can only do so much for so many people, and my kids need to know that they are first.
Also I am taking a small break to get our house in order, so that my brain & spirit are in better order. Plus, I get to get away with my husband for a bit. All very good things.
But I’ll be back very soon and I can’t wait to see you then!